For a couple months I have been trying to drop a few pounds to look good in a Speedo again. Now my wife tells me I have never looked good in a Speedo, so I have decided to gain a few pounds to fill out some size 40 swim trunks I got at a yard sale. In the meantime, here are more questions from people who should know better, but obviously don’t.
Q: Is there a dress code for Rocky Point restaurants?
A: I wouldn’t exactly call it a code. More like a dress suggestion. Exposed butt cracks are typically frowned upon, unless it’s a female’s with the body of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Besides that, I personally follow the rule: if the place has tablecloths and silverware instead of wooden tables and plastic utensils, wear a shirt.
Q: Can we get “legally” married in Puerto Peñasco?
A: Yes, but there are plenty of steps involved. You need to complete a marriage application, get a blood test, have your birth certificate translated into Spanish, provide a current passport, supply four witnesses over 18, and get hitched at the Civil Registry Office. Oh, and if you have been divorced or widowed, you have to bring proof so you won’t be accused of double dipping. Of course, you could tie the knot in Vegas for a lot less hassle, but where’s the fun in that?
Q: Are there any cougars in Rocky Point?
A: If you are referring to the Puma concolor, also known as the cougar, puma, mountain lion, catamount or panther, there aren’t any in the city, but you may find some in the Pinacate Biosphere Reserve and mountains near the border. If you are referring to women over 40 (Bleachus blondus) who prey on younger men, yes, there are a few in Rocky Point. I have heard their favorite targets are the Hornus doggus, a species that travels in small herds and frequents sports bars.
Q: What will the weather be like for Thanksgiving, and will they take away my spiral cut honey-baked ham at the border?
A: With my vast experience in meteorology, I can confidently predict Thanksgiving in Rocky Pointwill be a fine, sunny day. Unless it’s not. As far as the ham goes, wrap it well and put it in a cooler with plenty of ice, and you should have no problem with Mexican customs. But just in case the ham gets confiscated, write “Propiedad Privada de Capitán Greg” on the cooler, so they’ll know who to give it to when I ask if anyone has left a package for me.
Q: Is hunting allowed in Mexico?
A: There is excellent hunting for doves, ducks, geese, quail and deer, but you need a special permit for each. You must buy a hunting license that includes a military-issued gun permit, and you must be accompanied by a licensed Mexican guide when you hunt. Because it is so difficult to get all the proper permits, it is recommended you hire a licensed outfitter to do all the work for you. A list of outfitters is available from any Mexican consulate. However, if you have a criminal record, you aren’t allowed to get the permits necessary to hunt in Mexico. If that is the case, you’ll be stuck shooting at road signs and refrigerators like you do in the States.