I went to the doc for a physical the other day and he said I have the body of a 30-year-old. I’m pretty sure he had been sampling the pharmaceutical products in the back room, because my body hasn’t been like a 30-year-old since I was 15. I don’t take my shirt off on the beach for fear the gulls will mistake me for a rotting albino sea lion. But there are some people who can’t get enough sun, including Jenny Marshall from Payson, Arizona, who called me recently.


JENNY: Cap’n Greg, I’m headed for Rocky Point next week. Can I get margaritas served on the beach? Can I get a massage like at those fancy tropical island resorts? If I find a baby octopus in the ocean can I take him home for my salt water tank? Will my iPhone work there?


CAP’N GREG: Whoa! Slow down there, Jenny. The first thing you need to do is adjust your behavior to Mexico time. That means if you’re used to running full speed ahead, you should pull it over and park for a while.


JENNY: Okay. I shifted into neutral. What now?


CAP’N GREG: Let’s answer those questions. First, what is your height and weight?


JENNY: I’m 5’4″ and about 160. But what does that have to do with anything?


CAP’N GREG: Just bear with me here, Jenny. You can certainly find a bar near the beach that sells margaritas, but getting one delivered to you while you are actually on the beach might be a little difficult. Most places in Rocky Point aren’t set up to take your order, bring your drink, take your money and bring your change, especially if you are 100 yards from the bar. So, unless you’re some kind of gung-ho bodybuilder, at 5’4″ and 160 you can probably use the exercise, and walking to the bar to get a drink should be good for you.


JENNY: How would you like me to kick your butt?


CAP’N GREG: If you did, I could get a massage to ease my back pain at many places in town and at better resort hotels. Call ahead or ask at the hotel desk for pricing and availability. The price should be the same, no matter what size you are.


JENNY: Oh, yeah? Maybe I should drag you into the ocean and sit on you until you apologize.


CAP’N GREG: Sounds fun! Give me a chance to put on my snorkel and mask so I can look for colorful fish and shells. I might even find a baby octopus, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to bring wildlife of any kind into the States. It’s best to check the fruit and vegetable rules because, even though they are a good for your weight-loss diet, they also have import restrictions.


JENNY: Cap’n Greg, when I get to Rocky Point, I’m going to call to arrange a place we can meet, and tell you exactly what I think of you.


CAP’N GREG: I look forward, Jenny. But before you leave you should contact your carrier to check on international calling plans. And remember, roaming charges may apply.