Ask Cap’n Greg

Aug 3, 2012 by Ask Cap'n Greg

The monsoons of summer are a welcome relief to Arizonans weary of week after week of triple digit heat. The heavy rains also tend to drown out a bunch of the round-tailed ground squirrels that are making my front yard look like the Barry Goldwater Bombing Range. The guy down the street uses a deer rifle on his varmints, so in addition to wearing a bullet-proof vest to get the mail, I spend a lot of time in Rocky Point. This month Rhonda Wilkie of Mesa is preparing for her very first visit to this sunny city by the sea, and she had a few burning questions.

RHONDA: I read online that the speed limit signs down there are in some crazy foreign language. Why don’t they catch up with the civilized world?
CAP’N GREG: That “crazy foreign language” happens to be the metric system used by just about every nation on the planet except the United States. It’s really quite simple to convert kilometers per hour into miles per hour. I suggest using a calculator to either multiply the kilometers by 0.622 or divide by 1.609. A much easier way is to look at your speedometer needle, and you’ll see another set of numbers inside the miles per hour numbers. Those are kilometers. If that’s too difficult to figure out, you should probably not be behind the wheel in the first place.

RHONDA: Can I drink the water?
CAP’N GREG: About 70% of people who travel report stomach ailments caused by the local water, when in reality their gastric distress is due to drinking large quantities of non-water-like beverages. For your peace of mind (and tummy) I suggest you drink bottled water anytime you are traveling anywhere.

RHONDA: Is it okay to bring my pearl-handled six-shooters so I can pop a few seagulls?
CAP’N GREG: By all means. But you might want to let your loved ones know you won’t be released from Mexican prison until 2042.

RHONDA: Is English spoken there?
CAP’N GREG: You’ll have no problem ordering food and drinks in English anywhere you go. And if your tongue gets all tied up from having too much tequila, sign language works just fine.

RHONDA: When is the best time to go home?
CAP’N GREG: Most people who come here say, “Never.” But if you must return, you’ll be glad to know the border has added more lanes to handle heavy northbound traffic. To reduce your wait, especially on holiday weekends, you should be there early morning or late afternoon.
RHONDA: What is early?
CAP’N GREG: Leave Rocky Point before 5AM and be at the border when it opens at 6.
RHONDA: Are you out of your mind?
CAP’N GREG: Most of the time.

RHONDA: One more question. If I wear one of those super skimpy string bikinis in public, will I be arrested?
CAP’N GREG: Not if you stay near me so I can protect you.

RHONDA: You’re full of great advice, Cap’n Greg.
CAP’N GREG: Rhonda, I’m full of something, that’s for sure.

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