Ask Cap’n Greg

Nov 19, 2016 by Ask Cap'n Greg

I’m sitting in one of those aluminum-framed beach chairs that has really short legs. You can put it in the ocean so warm ripples will tickle your ankles. Or put it in the sand and stretch out your legs so you can wiggle your toes until they disappear up to your kneecaps. I was doing the latter. Relishing the ambiance. Nothing much has changed here on the Sea of Cortez for millennia. In fact, the last volcanic activity was about 11,000 years ago, soon after John McCain was elected to the Senate.

CAP’N GREG: Honey? Will you bring me another cerveza?

UNKNOWN FEMALE: Don’t call me honey.

CAP’N GREG: Whoa! Who are you? I thought you were my wife.

UNKNOWN FEMALE: Is she your waitress, too?

CAP’N GREG: Can I plead the Fifth?

UNKNOWN FEMALE: Do somewhat attractive men like you think it’s a woman’s job to do your laundry, cook your meals, bring you beers?

CAP’N GREG: What was that again about ‘somewhat attractive’?

UNKNOWN FEMALE: Don’t be trying to change the subject, Cap’n Greg.

CAP’N GREG: How do you know who I am?

UNKNOWN FEMALE: Saw your photo in the Rocky Point Times.

CAP’N GREG: Then you know I am a champion of the weaker sex.

UNKNOWN FEMALE: I could lift that wimpy chair with you in it, and toss you into the deep blue sea like a rag doll.

CAP’N GREG: I don’t doubt that you could, but weaker sex is just a figure of speech.

UNKNOWN FEMALE: I’ve got some figures of speech that would curl your hair. If you had any.

CAP’N GREG: Now, wait a minute.

UNKNOWN FEMALE: And you, smug as a sea lion, and almost as big, sitting here like you own the place.

CAP’N GREG: Look, I’m just minding my own business, enjoying the beach. But one more comment like that and…

SANDY (CAP’N GREG’S WIFE): Hey, Cap’n Greg. I see you’ve met Trixie.

CAP’N GREG: Trixie?

SANDY: Huge surprise! I ran into her at the Satisfied Frog. Haven’t seen her since we worked together in Iowa. Followed me home. While I changed into my bathing suit, I asked her to walk down and see if you needed another beer.

TRIXIE: And he’s been a total gentleman, Sandy.

CAP’N GREG: Be that as it may, total gentlemen do get thirsty.

SANDY: I’ll go get three.

TRIXIE: I think we’re gonna need a lot more than that.

CAP’N GREG: Ladies! Please allow me to do the heavy lifting while you two beauties sunbathe and reminisce.

TRIXIE: Well, aren’t you nice.

SANDY: All I can say is, Who are you, and what have you done to my husband?

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