I finally got a waiter’s attention and ordered another Tecate Light. When it arrived I paid for it, grabbed a plastic chair that hadn’t been puked on, and found a spot on the beach that wasn’t directly under a speaker the size of a satellite dish. I don’t know why, but some people think the louder the music, the better it is. A guy about my vintage stood by my chair a while, and introduced himself as Scott Richards from Davenport, Iowa.
SCOTT: Can you explain spring break to me?
CAP’N GREG: What’s to explain? Young men and women are celebrating being young men and women. They’ve done it for centuries.
SCOTT: With beer and bikinis?
CAP’N GREG: Maybe it was with wine and togas in Caesar’s time, but the objective is the same.
SCOTT: I guess I don’t understand what I’m seeing here.
CAP’N GREG: You mean all the women in one group drinking and yelling at each other, and all the men in another group drinking and yelling at each other?
SCOTT: Why do they do that?
CAP’N GREG: First they have to pretend that they don’t care. The women don’t care that the guys are in the prime of their lives and have used enough body spray to kill a hyena. The guys don’t care that the women are wearing small scraps of strategically positioned fabric and have spent a fortune on their hair and make-up to be attractive.
SCOTT: Attractive to who?
CAP’N GREG: To the guys, who are pretending they don’t care.
SCOTT: Will they ever get together?
CAP’N GREG: You’d think they would, since the air is packed with enough sex pheromones to cut with a machete, but they hardly ever do.
SCOTT: Then why are parents so concerned when their kids go to Rocky Point for spring break?
CAP’N GREG: They are jealous thinking the kids are having a better time than when they were here 20 years ago.
SCOTT: You could be right, Cap’n Greg. Can I buy you a beer?
CAP’N GREG: Sure. But when you come back with it, I’ll be sitting closer to those women.
SCOTT: Why would you do that?
CAP’N GREG: First, I’m too old to pretend I don’t care. And second, my eyes aren’t what they used to be.